i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
