When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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