All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
