MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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