I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
