either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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