why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We had to coat check the pizza.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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