david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
