I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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