my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
