you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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