if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
