i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
