I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
