You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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