So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
