i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
