I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
