It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
