A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
