i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
