Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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