im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
