I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
