Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
