My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
