He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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