kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dick very happy bro
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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