It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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