Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
