just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Houston, we have a squirter
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
