2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's shark week go big or go home
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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