I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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