for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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