You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
