I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
