happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
