forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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