just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
