I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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