Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
