threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
