I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
