sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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