Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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