Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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