I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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