you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
