dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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