I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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