Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You dont lie about slip and slides
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
