i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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