I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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